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The text of the bible or the torah is regarded by its followers as universal truth given to humans by god. Â You’re not suppose to change anything that’s written in it. Â However, if something falls out of favour you can always simply ignore it, like we do with beating children with a rod1, killing people who work on the sabbath2, or stoning the gays.3
The blessed book also has some very good instructions on how to deal with everyday situations, like how to cleanse a person that has leprosy. Â It has step by step instructions, much like bit of Ikea furniture.
1And the LORD spoke unto Moses, saying,
Off to a good start. Â Shush now, god is talking.
2“This shall be the law of the leper in the day of his cleansing: He shall be brought unto the priest.
There’s a bit of truth, it says, quite clearly, this shall be the law!
3And the priest shall go forth out of the camp, and the priest shall look; and behold, if the plague of leprosy be healed in the leper, 4then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop.
Ok, got the basic ingredients.
5And the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water.
Right, kill the bird in a jar over a creek, but the priest doesn’t have to do it, he can get someone else to do the messy bits.
6As for the living bird, he shall take it, and the cedar wood, and the scarlet, and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the living bird in the blood of the bird that was killed over the running water.
Time for the priest to get his hands dirty, he has to tie the cedar wood and the hyssop to the bird using the scarlet thread and dip them in the blood from the jar, so far so good.
7And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean and shall let the living bird loose into the open field.
Yes, wave the live bird around spraying blood and hyssop everywhere. Â Then say “Abracadabra” Magic!
Oh yes, and once the job is done let the bird go. Â How nice.
But wait, there’s more. Â If the house if also found to have leprosy there are instructions on how to remove the infected stones and throw them away, then the priest will cleanse the house with two birds, some hyssop, cedar wood and scarlet.
We’re still not sure about leprosy4, however, we can be sure that spraying the blood of dead birds around isn’t going to do anything useful, we also know that houses don’t contract leprosy.
Hell, the bible is such a great source of really useful information. Â We should all have one. Â Do yourself a favour, order one today, there’s plenty of places that you can order a free bible, and in doing so you may be saving some poor unsuspecting person from falling into it’s traps.
All we need now is the priest to wear some fancy hat, a skirt, carry a stick with a big end and we have our very own witchdoctor.
Head gear, dresses and a staff
- Do not withhold discipline from a child;Â if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. Proverbs 23:13 ↩
- Observe the Sabbath, because it is holy to you. Anyone who desecrates it is to be put to death; those who do any work on that day must be cut off from their people. Exodus 31:14 ↩
- If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads Exodus 20:13 ↩
- The mode of transmission is still unclear, but it seems to be spread by respiration droplets so waving a bird around doesn’t help Wikipedia ↩
Ooga booga.