Cameron Spink on Sex

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Spinksy, Spinksy, Spinksy, you really need to get out and live a little.

When Emma and I announced our engagement there were friends and family who responded in shock because we weren’t living together and presumably hadn’t slept together (these presumptions were correct). Hence some people raised with Emma their concerns about how ignorant we would be about our sexual compatibility (they never seem to raise these issues with me for some reason).

Poor Mrs Spinksy – she could have married a dud root.

I stumbled across an article today by sex therapist Matty Silver who outlined her thoughts on couples who have “mismatch[ing] libidos”. The idea that both parties should have equal “sex drive” is at the heart of this idea of sexual compatibility. Silver’s solution to unequal “sex drive” is good communication. And she is right, to an extent. However, her work with couples in regards to sexuality presupposes that love is merely “neurotransmitter phenylethylamine….. combined with dopamine and norepinephrine” to create “pleasingly positive feelings towards each other”  We must be aware of our preconceived notions of what love is. It is neither defined by science nor should it be relegated to gushy feelings. Both strip love of its power.

Preconceived ideas, yes, you should be aware of them.  How easy is Spinksy to throw out the science of love and the reality of how we feel love.  He must have a really good basis for doing so! Oh, and you don’t stumble across articles like this, you make a decision to click the link.  The article is from The Age and there is no stumble Spinksy, you used that free will you’re so fond of and clicked the link.   And just so we are clear, Matty Silver knows a thing or two – she’s done training at a university and everything.

Master of Health Science (Sexual Health)
The University of Sydney

Graduate Diploma of Health Science (Sexual Health)
The University of Sydney

Graduate Diploma of Counselling and Communications
Australian College of Applied Psychology (ACAP)

I guess Matty Silver has some good research to back up her article.  What’s Spinksy got?

In fact the Bible paints a completely different picture. Wives are to be “submissive” to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22) and husbands are to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25). These are doing concepts rather than feeling and don’t fit within romantic or scientific notions of being “in love”. If we then move the blowtorch to the idea of sexual compatibility it is clear that the worldly perspective falls a long way short of defining how relationships should be approached in reality. We must be active in doing love not merely hoping to feel love.

Oh, the bible.  Spinksy is basing his ideas of love on the bible?  This is the same bible that claims god so loved the world that he sent his only son to be killed for himself to pay for the wrongs of humanity caused by his own creation.  That sounds loving.

The reason, Spinksy me old mate, that the bible falls a long way short on the perspective of worldly love is because the authors of the bible had a very different understanding of the world, because the  University of Sydney was about 2000 years away.  As they say, we have moved on.

Not only is sexual compatibility a myth but sexual attraction is also a dead end.

I can only assume that Emma and Spinksy are not sexually compatible.  Whether you want to admit it or not, sexual attraction is the reason you got married, it’s the way it works.  Just because you didn’t have pre-martial sex doesn’t mean you aren’t sexually attracted to Emma.  In fact, without that sexual attraction, your relationship would never have started.

There are people who legitimately believe that it is important for couples to be sexually compatible. That sex must be dabbled in before the marriage night just to make sure that you are chaining yourself to the right person. We need to be rid of such immature thought-processes. A marriage commitment does not require sexual compatibility or fornication. In fact, possibly the worst thing you can do for your future marriage is to live together before you tie the knot.

Lions having sex outside marriage

Lions having sex outside marriage

Seriously Spinksy, there are a lot worse things to do in the world than live together and have sex before you get married.  Dabbling in sex is fun, you should try it. Spinksy simply avoids the obvious truth in the world, people have sex outside and inside marriage.  They always have.  I would suggest that it is not all the ‘fornicators’ who have the immature thought-processes.  Spinksy also avoids the issue that people like Matty Silver are successful because there’s a market for them.  There are many relationships that fail, and there are many that succeed.  I would bet that most of those that are success stories had sex a lot before they married.  What planet are you living on Spinksy?

 

We need to stop giving opinions like Silver’s any credence. The world suggests many lies and we are not filtering properly. Instead we continue to play church while believing that it is important to ascertain whether we are sexually compatible with our future spouse. News flash, sexual compatibility is the mouth wash of relationships. Its invention has derailed marriage which, despite the naysayers, is an institution that is very good.

Come on.  You can dismiss whoever you want.  But it’s not like Matty Silver is silly.  Perhaps there is something in her way of operating and it’s the likes of christians that need to have their opinions questioned thoroughly and then discarded like a used tissue after a private session.

Might I then present to you something radically different. Sex outside of marriage rather than helping you in your pursuit of sexual compatibility actually sets you up to fail in regards to commitment. We are being set up to fail. Our sexual desires, if we take our ques from society, will be unfulfilled. We will not get what we seek. And so, people throw their relationship under the bus if the other person in the relationship does not satisfy what cannot be satisfied. Perhaps it is worth turning the disappointment around and looking at our perceptions and how they may well be the part of the cause of the problem. Yet we cannot hope to drag our preconceived notions of sexuality out of the mire without the help of somebody uncorrupted by society. But there is no solutions available except the one who created sexuality in the first place.

FFS – I read and re-read.  That’s just such a load of twaddle crap dipstick duck shit.  You start by asking to present something radically different and then all you really do is rant about how bad things are.  I think, but I’m not sure, that your radical idea is getting the help of someone uncorrupted by society – probably your god.  That’s not radically different, that’s what we expect from religious nutters.  Your preconceived notions are derived from a book that was written so long ago and has never been updated.  You want us to accept sexuality as laid out in that thing?  You seriously think that we need a solution because there is no solution, and the only one available is in the bible?  You need to do a course on sexual health. I hear Sydney Uni has some on offer.

You see, you may believe that you can keep God away from your sex life, or indeed any part of life you may wish but it simply doesn’t work that way.

Yeah, it’s easy to keep him away, there is no god.  And it does work that way.

If we divorce our relationship from the intentional plans of God, from His created intent, we are cheapening, abusing and condemning the relationship.

So, if a plan is intentional it’d be nice to know what it was.  Expecting people to follow your plan when you don’t tell them what it is, is stupid.

We are using the other person, putting them on a pedestal, and when they fail (as they always do) we may call it quits or grow to resent them.

Well yes.  It’s actually ok, good and healthy to get out of a bad relationship.  You’re putting Emma up on the pedestal, I hope she’s secure.

Needless to say the introduction of sexual compatibility for the finding of a “soulmate” is a toxic concoction that has proved to be indigestible. We must throw off this charade, and encourage our friends to do so, if we want to live relationships that glorify God.

I’m not sure that the quest to find a ‘soulmate’ is such a bad thing.  It certainly isn’t toxic, and I don’t see any evidence to prove that it is indigestible, in fact it just feels like you’re making it up as you go along.

It’s you, Spinksy, mate, that need to throw off the charade.  Living in a relationship to glorify a being that doesn’t interact with you in anyway is crazy talk.  Really you should focus on your life with Emma and what makes her happy.  The love you have is to share with her, unhindered by outdated dogma and you should tap into the wealth of knowledge about relationships.  There is so much stuff out there that will make your relationship zing.

Clearly you need more zing, otherwise your zinger will drop off.

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